The World Keeps Turning.
When we Step 1: Step Back - the world keeps turning.
While we retreat into ourselves, wallowing in our feelings of self-pity, injustice, unfairness, frustration, disappointment, despair … Life goes on.
People move on. Reconsider. Recover. Forget.
When we emerge into Step 2: Assess the Situation, we often find it’s different to what it was when we retreated into ourselves. That’s partly because it is different. But also because we’re different. We’re looking at the circumstances that demanded a decision from us more objectively and calmly.
By tending to ourselves, we allowed the world to do some work without us.
Reminding us that we see more clearly outward if we take the time to look inward.
Not Just Yet.
Implicitly, only time will quiet the passions and allow the feelings of being overwhelmed to subside. This wait for quiet, however, must not be understood as thoughtlessness, which is for her willed nonthinking: it is, rather, not thinking just yet.
- Deborah Nelson on Hannah Arendt
Step 1: Step Back must not be confused with inaction. Indecisiveness. Hesitancy. Self-doubt.
Pausing to allow the passions stirred by the stimulus demanding a response to quiet before turning our mind to the content of the decision at hand is a deliberate act of courage and service of both self and other.
The Turnkey.
The system failed in allowing the situation to develop on HMAS Success over some years, rather than in not having a turnkey solution when the problem was revealed. - Roger Gyles AO QC, Commission of Inquiry into HMAS Success.
If I’m untruthful, I tend to avoid truth tellers.
If I’m untruthful and lacking in competence, I tend to avoid competent truth tellers.
After a while, I find myself seeking the company of people who I can relate to and understand: the untruthful, incompetent, or both. In organisations, I find that combination in those who are junior to me. So I seek power.
Once I have power, I promote those who are untruthful (often in their glowing, sycophantic assessments of me), or incompetent (enough to make me look good in comparison without jeopardising the work). The untruthful and incompetent are attracted to my me and my workplace.
Eventually I become skilled at managing untruthful and incompetent people.
‘He is good at management!’ they say of me as they see me ‘mentoring’ the untruthful incompetents. Some of the applause comes from other untruthful people who know the game and cheer me on with a knowing wink. Other applause comes from the incompetent who do not recognise competence and join in because I’m senior..
Meanwhile, the truthful and competent look above them, see me and my untruthful incompetent sycophants, and leave.
Ten years pass.
Catastrophe. Inquiry. Recommendations. Apology. Changes.
Long after I’ve gone.
Your Chief Weapon.
Your chief weapon to improve your decisions is turning the stuff you don’t know into stuff you know.
- Annie Duke, ‘How to Decide’.
It’s natural to look at a decision that didn’t give the expected outcome and rule it as a ‘wrong’ decision.
Or worse.
A waste of time.
If we categorise a decision as a waste of time because it got us ‘nowhere’, then we’re more likely to hesitate at our next decision, or avoid making a decision at all.
And yet.
Every decision we make tells us more about the stuff we don’t know. Or maybe even just tells us there’s stuff we don’t know. Like … why didn’t that decision turn out?
It’s all about what we’re measuring.
A good decision is one that advances us towards where we want to be.
Good decision making is a deliberate process of inquiry that advances us towards where we want to be.
If our response to a ‘bad’ decision is despondent criticism of our judgement, and then an aversion to making decisions, then we’ve denied ourselves the opportunity to turn stuff we don’t know into stuff we know.
We’ve holstered our chief weapon to improve our decisions.
Writing Our Autobiography.
Nobody likes to make a decision. Everybody likes to criticise.
- Roger Ury, Negotiation expert.
I’ve worked in organisations where the only way to get a decision from the boss was to create something provoking criticism. Occasionally from the boss. More often via one of their courtiers. It helped refine my understanding of the boss’s intent.
We’re often more enthusiastic editors of another’s story than authors of our own.
All the while our criticisms are ghostwriting our autobiography.
The Ability to Explain.
One of the hallmarks of a great leader is being able to explain your decisions.
- Alyssa Mastromonaco, Former White House Deputy Chief of Staff
When was the last time your boss showed her working out?
When was the last time you showed your working out to someone?
Good practice for being a boss.
Those who are reluctant to show their reasoning are usually afraid it will reveal they rely on positional power - and our preference for someone else to make our decisions.
Carrier Oil.
Carrier oils are mediums carrying essential oils for topical application.
Religions can be a carrier oil for selfishness, vindictiveness, exploitation, and hypocrisy.
The military can be a carrier oil for manipulation and authoritarianism.
Organisations can be a carrier oil for cowardice and fear.
Things few of us would do on our own - we tolerate when diluted in a carrier oil.
Protect Us from Anxiety.
I’ve worked in organisations where access to information is appropriately aggressively policed and protected. The military gave me a security clearance and operated on ‘need to know’. My information security company employer did likewise. Both did so with the intent of guarding against third party harm.
Yet the majority of people in organisations who purport to ‘protect’ information do so for selfish purposes.
The most common is that information is power.
By restricting access they both anoint themselves as gatekeeper, as well as increase the value of the information by making it scarce. People appoint themselves as guardians, thus increasing their status - regardless of who needs the information the person protects. The gatekeeper attends meetings where things are disclosed and discussed that must be important if so few go. (They aren’t.)
Another common motive for restricting access to information is people don’t want to encourage others to find fault in their decision making. If we saw their working out, we may point out an error of fact or reasoning. Too risky. Keep it secret. Tell a story that confidentiality encourages candid conversations.
A third and related reason for denying access to information is people don’t want others to see how random and shallow, and often nepotistic their decisions are. If we saw the coin flip, the personality bias, the deals, the conflicts of interest, the back scratching, or the child-like fear that lie behind many behind closed door decisions - we would be appalled. Best we not see how the bloody meat is cut in the abattoir.
Thus, in an era where we can access centuries of information with a click, we accept without question that our boss can access information and use it to make decisions affecting us, and we can’t know why or how. We aren’t allowed to check their working out. We accept that the boss or executive or board can meet an never publish its minutes - not video the meeting and make it available online. We act like words need to be transcribed onto parchment by monks with quills, instead of recorded and turned into text and published almost instantly by a range of cheap software.
We choose to allow our boss to protect us from the effort and anxiety of nuance.
Those bosses aren’t protecting information from third party harm. They’re protecting it from us.
Face Reality Together.
Face reality together, not the emotions reality inspires.
- Hannah Arendt
Workplace conflict is so easily turned into a ‘personality clash’. What is often a thorny, yet clearly defined underperformance or capability issue resolvable with a bit of plain talking and adult compromise, is twisted into a soap opera of emotions.
HR types come running.
Step 1: Step Back - helps us settle our emotions.
Step 2: Define the Issue- helps us see the reality, not its consequences. See the fire, not sniff the smoke.
If the boss or HR does turn it into a personality issue, might be time for them to Step Back and then Define their reason for preferring the acting rather than the script.
They may be confronted with their own capability deficit.
Presence or Observer.
There are times for the boss to be an observer.
There are more times for the boss to be a presence.
There are few times we want to be observed.
There are more times we need a presence.
An observer boss is detached. A judge. Or at best - a neutral onlooker.
A presence boss accompanies me. Is in relationship with me. Moves in sync with me.
A presence boss knows I’m an adult. Is not dependent on me, nor I on them.
Presence bosses are rare.
Two Maps.
Imagine you’re consulting a map covering terrain you’re about to walk.
It consists only of tracks, paths, topographical features and other information you’ve recorded, either on past journeys or from books and accounts of other travellers.
You’re embarking on the journey with another, who also has a map.
Wouldn’t it make sense to show them your map, and invite them to fill in any missing detail from theirs? After all, you’re both going on the same journey.
Yet how often has someone in your organisation - an employer, or supervisor, or even a peer - made a decision affecting you, which means it affects them, without consulting with you? Without checking their assumptions with yours, to identify any gaps and potentially fill them before setting forth?
The Law calls that Procedural Fairness.
I call that Step 4: Give a Hearing.
You might call it Common Sense.
The Uncanny Valley of Positional Power.
The ‘uncanny valley’ is a concept in robotics and artificial intelligence that describes the eerie or unsettling feeling people often experience when an artificial figure, such as a robot or an animated character, closely resembles a human being but is not quite convincingly lifelike. An artificial figure that becomes almost, but not perfectly, indistinguishable from a real human triggers unease or revulsion.
The more a person wielding positional power pretends to be approachable, friendly, down to earth, and ‘one of us’ - the more we feel repelled by them. The personal anecdotes make us cringe. The little jokes and attempts at humour fall flat. The speeches, emails, newsletters, and ‘management by walking around’ are disturbing.
How do we respond?
Forced to reciprocate in our own uncanny valley of forced smile small talk, ‘likes’ of their digital media posts, applause at their speeches, confected laughter at their humour.
And thus the source of unease and slow, quiet death in so many workplaces.
The Genius of a Good Law.
The genius of a good law is it distils a multitude of complex fields of human experience and learning, and signals what society values the most.
All the challenges, decisions, successes and failures; studies, calculations, observations, research, experimentation, psychology, ethics, virtues, and common good can be boiled down to a simple statement, or even a number.
How do we care for children?
We drive at 40km/h past a school during drop off and pick up times.
That Law attends to the Matter of efficient commerce in a safe Manner.
The Law signals ‘We prioritise our children above all else.’
When we drive at 40 - we signal we subordinate our needs to a greater good.
Let Me Sit With This.
Let me sit with this.
Let me take it in.
Let me understand it
From deep within.
- ‘A Time to Grow’, The Henry Girls
There are things that, when authentically said and heard - are like falling onto a soft bed.
‘Let me sit with this.’
When was the last time someone said that to you - or you said it to someone else?
Not - ‘Leave it with me.’
Not - ‘I’ll get back to you.’
Definitely not - ‘Let’s take that offline.’
And oh please not - ‘We’ll circle back to that later.’
Time spent is the ultimate compliment. ‘Let me sit with this,’ is a powerful statement of worthiness. Of servant-leadership. Of courtesy. Of respect. Of connection.
‘Let me sit with this,’ isn’t inaction or procrastination. It’s deep work.
‘Let me sit with this,’ is also part of the power of Step 1 - Step Back. We sit with our own emotions stirred up by a stimulus needing a decision. We take it in. We seek to understand why it is affecting us. We do this not as part of some box-ticking (even though ‘Five Steps’ does imply this).
We sit with our emotions and attend to our needs with the intent of understanding ourselves so we can be present with, understand, and serve another. Our mutual humanity beneath the corporate façade.
From deep within.
What Clichés Keep You Up at Night?
‘What keeps you up at night?’
Oh please.
The favourite ‘Gotcha!’ question of recruitment interviews, or boss to risk manager, or board to boss …
The person is meant to briefly stare into space, perhaps scratch their chin, then begin a list of catastrophes that sees them tossing and turning in their bed, labouring over the worries of the organisation and showing their commitment to it by losing sleep.
Like some badge of honour. ‘I lose sleep over this organisation.’
Really?
That’s what we want in our people? Sleep-deprived, worried, stressed, anxious workers, tossing and turning and pacing up and down in the darkness …?
Sure. It’s a metaphor. And so is the list of what it means to not sleep at night.
What does the question train our brain to think? First, our brain responds by picturing itself churning over quarterly profit and loss statements at 2am. Going over network configurations to confirm all the software patches are up to date against the latest threat to the company’s servers and information. Our brain can’t differentiate between the thought of something and the thing itself. Our brain says: Worry.
Like most stupid behaviour in organisations, the question is designed to meet the needs of the questioner (look at how I just cut to the chase!) rather than to genuinely elicit helpful information from a person.
Why not ask this question:
What helps you fall asleep at night?
The question does two things. First, it triggers our brain to think positively. To identify the good things that are being done, or need to be done. The actions that will put our mind at rest. A rested worker is a more productive worker.
Second, the framing of ‘What helps you fall asleep at night?’ shows the questioner cares.
