'There's a critical question that I ask myself:
What do I need to do right now tend the root of inner wisdom that makes work fruitful?'
- Parker Palmer
Thank you for your letter in which you requested that I make you happy.
I have considered your application in accordance with our Happiness Policy, in particular Clause 17.2 which makes me responsible for the happiness of the employees in my line of management.
As part of my consideration of your request, I sought advice from a number of people, including our Chief Happiness Officer, our Human Resources Officer, our Finance Officer, the Chaplain, Payroll, and your line manager. I also reviewed your employment history and your current duty statement.
On 17 July I wrote to you and summarised what each of them had to say and invited you to comment on any of it.
I carefully read your 427 page all caps reply and have taken each of your submissions into account in making my decision. I also want to express my sympathies about your cat, your football team, and your ongoing acne irritation.
In accordance with Clause 19.8 of the Happiness Policy that authorises me to make decisions about employee Happiness, I have decided that we have met all of our obligations to make you happy, namely:
- Paid you each fortnight
- Performed every other term of our employment agreement with you
- Listened to you whine about your unhappiness and considered whether we were responsible for it
Unfortunately the space-time continuum and the limitations of our technology budget do not allow us to send you back in time to get more hugs and fishing trips with your Poppy.
I encourage you to take advantage of our Employee Assistance Plan to support you as you grieve about Tiddles, suggest that you consider joining the company Rounders team to engage you with a winning recreational pursuit, and I will approve personal leave for you to seek medical advice about your zits.
I happily look forward to you doing your job.